:: We don’t find ourselves one day. We are in a constant state of discovery, and that’s a wonderful thing.
Dear Friends,
For the past six months, I’ve been working with a career coach. Technically, she’s a speaker coach, but she does so much more than that. (And yes, even moderately successful writers like me need coaches from time to time. Her name is Erin Loman Jeck.) For about 3 months, we did all of this behind-the-scenes work building my platform, figuring out my goals, and making a plan to achieve them.
And then, at about 3 1/2 months, I had a breakdown. I realized that everything we’d been building toward just was not me.
I didn’t want to do the work we were setting me up to do. I didn’t relate to it, and I didn’t enjoy it. I thought this work was what I wanted, but I was wrong! 😱
I wrote about my breakdown in my journal for, like, 100 pages, then made a document with bullet points because no one could possibly make sense of all that rambling, not even me.
Then the worst part came. I had to tell my coach during our weekly meeting that everything we’d done up to that point needed to be chucked.
After I shared my revelation with her, she just laughed. “This is totally normal,” she said.
“What?”
My coach is also a trained therapist, and she practiced in a former life. She told me that with her patients before and her clients now, inevitably at the 3-month point,everyone goes through this…breakdown…I was going through.
It was nothing so minor as an identity crisis. I had a complete identity breakdown.
Why? Because she forced me to examine myself and my career more closely than I have in years, and I realized I was on a track that I didn’t want to be on.
So, she’s helped me pivot. It’s been some work to do this pivot—which, I might add, most of you probably won’t even notice. But internally, my entire worldview has shifted.
Whew. Agonizing. Exhausting. Thrilling. Pivots are hard.
And then I had another realization. Something bigger.
Life, itself, is just one long series of pivots. Pivoting is another facet of living. We shed past selves and become new people all the time. If we are lucky, we are in a constant state of self-discovery, and that’s a good thing.
My latest pivot could be influenced by my upcoming birthday: I turn 50 in June.That’s a big one. For a long time, leading up to this birthday, I dreaded growing older. I feared it. I feared dying. I felt like my life was over.
(Hello, “existential crisis” and also “the human condition.”)
Part of this fear and dread was driven by our youth-obsessed culture. You’ll never see me read a 30 under 30 of anything. In my twenties, I was a semi-alcoholic, idiotic twat. Why on earth would I take advice from a 20-something?
All of the things I know now? It is incredible.
This most recent pivot was less like aiming for a new goal and more like coming home to myself. The self that had been there all along, underneath all of the things I believed I needed to accomplish in order to be worthy and successful.
But, I realized, none of those accomplishments make a person worthy or even successful.
Worthiness based on external metrics success (like the bottom line), the things our capitalist society use to measure a person’s value, are not the things I value at all.
I am lucky that I get to write for a living. I am lucky, and I am grateful.
My mantra for this month of turning 50 is this: Welcome home.
Love to you,
Katie
Big Note to Readers who have stumbled across this blog:
This piece was originally published on my Substack, The Misfit Manifesto.
Just this month, I have added paid subscriptions as an option for my Substack. Most of what I write will remain free. Also, I have priced my subscriptions as low as Substack will allow. I do have a “Founding Member” option that allows those of you who are inclined to support me more to pay more—you get to choose.
Here are the benefits for each tier.
Free Subscriber
- This letter for the outsiders, the misfits, and the beautifully complicated.
- Access to the subscriber group chat. I love the group chat.
Paid Subscriber
- My letter on creativity and neurodiversity, including paywalled longer pieces, early/insider access to works-in-progress, and my backlist.
- Access to the group chat and the power (the power!) to start threads on the chat.
- Access to my writer community on Zoom (coming soon!) and discounts on workshops I teach.
Founding Member Subscriber
- You get all of the benefits of a paid membership, plus one signed paperback book of mine of your choice every year that you are a founder. Email me the title you would like, and confirm your username on Substack.
