:: So, what are “boundaries”? I define them like this: The limits that a person sets, by word or action, on the behavior that they will accept from other people.
Dear Friends,
As we head into the holidays—yes, they’re coming up fast—I’m reminded of a simple fact: holidays are chaos.
Joyful chaos, but…chaos. I’m neurodivergent (bipolar + AuDHD*), so that means I often end up hiding in my room to get some quiet time. If you have ND kids like I do, they will likely need that quiet time too, and as their parent, it’s your job to protect it.
The trouble is often conflicting emotions: I want to sit around the family room, by the fire and Christmas tree, and drink eggnog.
What I’m doing by hiding in my room is setting really strong boundaries, getting the quiet time in that I need to recharge.
Boundaries often come up for people around the holidays because there are so many demands put upon us by others. For me, my people-pleaser tendencies come out, and the boundaries come down.
But: by learning to set other, less severe boundaries, I’ve had more time for eggnog.
So, what are “boundaries”?
I define them like this: The limits that a person sets, by word or action, on the behavior that they will accept from other people.
Why do boundaries become important around the holidays? For me, I run myself ragged because I want everyone to be happy, and I believe it’s my job to make them so. I feel compelled to say yes to things. And so on.
But it isn’t my job. (It isn’t your job, either.) I’m getting better at boundaries, though, and I thought maybe you might want to try it out with me.
If you have children, especially neurodivergent (ND) children, you will find helpful advice in my book YOUR KID BELONGS HERE: AN INSIDER’S COMPANION TO PARENTING NEURODIVERSE CHILDREN, where I talk about meltdowns and shutdowns and what causes them—and how to prevent them. Around the holidays, this advice comes in really useful.
Here are some examples of some that I have set. Maybe they can help you:
- If you (or your family) need your house to be less busy around the holidays, without people popping in and out, in order to enjoy your eggnog, then you are allowed to have that. “Gosh, we’re busy right now. Maybe later!”
- If you (or your family) don’t want to go to lots of holiday parties, then you are allowed to decline invitations—without feeling guilty. Do not accept guilt-trip behavior from others. No sir.
- If you (or your family) want to have your gift exchange time with only your closest people and no one else, then you get to have that. “We can do gifts tomorrow—nothing wrong with spreading out the love!”
Without these boundaries, my mental health suffers because my emotional energy is spent managing the stress of uncomfortable situations. I get exhausted and crash. No energy left for eggnog.
Happy holidays to you, however you spend this quiet winter time.
Love,
Katie
*NOTE: AuDHD refers to autism + ADHD.
